


Unofficially Speaking

by alynwa



Category: Boston Legal
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 05:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alynwa/pseuds/alynwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New recruits to Crane Poole and Schmidt are taught all the rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unofficially Speaking

It was their first official day of work.  Molly Donohue, Linda Frasier, Jerry Jackson and Tanya Marquez had met each other at and gone through a week of orientation to get them acclimated to life as a junior associate at Crane Poole and Schmidt.    Three of them were graduates of Harvard Law and the fourth called Princeton _alma mater_.  All of them were near the top of their class and had thought a week-long orientation would be pretentious overkill.  They had been wrong.  Now, they sat at their assigned desks in the “boiler room,” the room on the 12 th floor that all the juniors of the firm shared and waited for their first tasks.  In the meantime, they organized their work spaces and introduced themselves to their new colleagues.

“Welcome to CP and S!  I’m Joanne Tyler, one of your fellow grunts,” said a woman who had walked over from the far corner of the room.  “How much of last week do you remember?”

Jerry answered, “Honestly?  I feel like I’m in over my head.  So many _rules_ and _procedures_ …”

Molly added, “I’m not worried about practicing law or doing research or handling cases.  I think none of us are, if I can presume to speak for the four of us.”  Linda, Jerry and Tanya nodded in silent agreement.  Molly smiled ruefully, “It’s learning how to maneuver through the firm itself.  Obviously, part of orientation was a brief bio on each of the founding partners and the main players but, every organization has its own personality and quirks that take time to learn.  Crane Poole and Schmidt’s reputation is that it expects _everyone_ to hit the ground running.  I’m a little shocked that we’ve been sitting here this long without work to do.     There’s so much to learn about how things work around here.”

Joanne laughed, “Yes, I know what you mean.”  She motioned around the room.  “We _all_ do.  That’s why I brought you this.”  She handed each of them an 8.5” x 11” yellow envelope that felt like it held a sheet of paper.

Tanya groaned, “Ohmi _god,_ more rules?”  The expressions on all four of their faces were the same: _What the hell have I gotten myself into?_

Joanne said, “Don’t worry.  What I’ve just given you are the _real_ rules and procedures of CS and P learned through the blood, sweat and tears of all the junior associates who came and went before you, me included.  Follow these and you will do just fine.  Break them and you may find yourself standing outside looking up at the building thinking ‘I used to work there.’  Put these away for now and I suggest you get together after work and go over them together.  If you have any questions, ask any of us in this room tomorrow.  Don’t look now but, I see Denny Crane’s assistant, Amanda, heading this way and I bet she’s got some work for you.  I’ll see you later.”

Linda took a swig and sighed, “That was the _best_ taste of beer I’ve ever had in my life!  I never thought this day would end.”

Her three coworkers nodded in agreement.  Amanda had indeed had assignments for each of them that had had them working separately and together until they handed over their work at 7PM.  They had been mildly surprised to hear Amanda warn them not to get used to “leaving so early.”

Jerry sighed, “Let’s look at the stuff Joanne gave us before we go any further.  Just in case it’s something we need to know for tomorrow.”  The attorneys reached into their respective briefcases and pulled out the envelope.  Upon opening them, they saw they had the same document entitled:

THE OFFICIAL UNOFFICIAL RULES AND PROCEDURES OF CRANE POOLE AND SCHMIDT

  1.  Alan Shore is not a named partner.  Treat him like he is.
  2. The legal secretaries of the named partners and Alan Shore are them as far as you’re concerned.  Forget that and it won’t end well.
  3. No matter how many times Denny Crane repeats his name, do not roll your eyes.
  4. Do not call Schmidt Miss Schmidt, Ms Schmidt or Shirl.  Ever.
  5. When CS&P throws a holiday party, go.
  6. Never, ever divulge what transpires at a CS&P holiday party.
  7. When you are on the 14th floor, remember the walls are made of glass.  Do not pick your nose, scratch your crotch or do anything thinking no one can see you.
  8. All new female attorneys will be hit on by Alan Shore and Denny Crane.  Don’t ever try to play one against the other.  It won’t end well.
  9. If you go to Denny Crane’s office, do not startle him.  You might get shot.



10\. Never open a closet in Alan Shore’s or Denny Crane’s office.  You don’t want to know.

11\. If a large, black drag queen introduces herself as Oprah, smile.  She may give you a car.

12\. Never ask Carl Sack “how the weather is up there.”

13\. Never make fun of Denny Crane or Jerry Espenson where Alan Shore can hear you.  It won’t end well.

14\. Never have sex with another CS&P attorney and run into Alan Shore.  He has a parlor trick that will embarrass you.

15\. Do not touch the snacks or water in the 14th floor galley even if you’re working on that floor all day.  It won’t end well.

16\. If you see Denny Crane looking lost on the 14th floor, point out where his office is for him.

17\. Do not ask where Poole is.

18\. Do not ask who Lori Colson is.

19\. Do not ask why Paul Lewiston is.  It won’t end well.

20\. Do not ask what it means to be “Schmidt-canned.”  You may find out.

21\. Do not have sex in the copy room.  Unless it’s with Alan Shore.

22\. Only the partners and Alan Shore can drink alcohol in the office.  Everyone else can only drink at the office party.

23\. Do not go out on Denny Crane’s balcony.  It won’t end well.

24\. Never call Schmidt “ma’am.”

25\. Anyone who has sex with Alan Shore has to understand she will have something in common with most of the female attorneys on staff.

26\. Physical or verbal fighting over Alan Shore only makes you look foolish.  He belongs to no one except Denny Crane.

27\. Never imply that Alan Shore and Denny Crane are an item.  It won’t end well.

28\. Do not ask Paul Lewiston to lend you forty dollars.

29\. Do not have sex in a closet.  Unless it’s with Alan Shore.

30\. The partners at CS&P work on average more than 100 hours a week.  Do not delay when you are ready to leave for the day or you may very well find yourself working all night.

31\. Come in everyday expecting to work all night.

32\. Never complain about the workload or the hours.  It won’t end well.

33\. Do not put video of you doing something stupid on YouTube.  Carl Sack is a huge fan and if he sees you, it may not end well.

34\. Do not assume the named partners dislike each other based on conversations you might overhear.

35\. Do not enter a partner’s office with coffee if you don’t have one for them.  Trust us on this one.

36\. There is no such thing as Casual Friday.  There is, however, Casual Saturday and Casual Sunday. 

37\. Expect to work on Casual Saturday and Casual Sunday.

38\. Never say “Yo, wassup?” to a client.  It won’t end well.

39\. Never interrupt Alan Shore when he is speaking. 

40\. Do not sleep with clients; only the partners are allowed.  It won’t end well for you.

41\. Never get on Alan Shore’s bad side. (Refer to Rule 18.)

 

THESE RULES ARE REVIEWED EVERY SIX MONTHS.

 

The next morning, Joanne stopped by Linda, Jerry, Tanya and Molly’s desks and asked, “Do you have any questions about the rules?”

They all shook their heads _no_.  Tanya said, “Did someone really do all of those things?”

Joanne nodded.  “Oh, yeah.  Some of them are still here, some were fired.  I was one of the lucky ones.  Rule number 3 is my contribution to the list.  Hopefully, you guys won’t add any to it.  One can only hope.  Well, I have to get to court and I see Schmidt’s assistant coming this way with a stack of work that probably belongs to you.  Again, welcome to Crane Poole and Schmidt.  Follow the rules.  _All_ the rules.”


End file.
